Disorder In Court

Lynne
13-05-2005
kell 12:31

Niisiis, kõik need on võetud raamatust "Disorder In Court" ning on laused mis on tegelikult kah kohtus öeldud sõna-sõnalt. Huumor missugune.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the car impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: You were not shot in the fracas?

WITNESS: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

ATTORNEY: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

ATTORNEY: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami

WITNESS: No.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Did you say he was shot in the woods?

WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.



ATTORNEY: Are you married?

WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.

ATTORNEY: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.

______________________________________

acrum
13-05-2005
kell 12:42

n
tore leid!

painkiller
13-05-2005
kell 12:44

päris head :)
andke veel

halo
13-05-2005
kell 12:47

autopsy killud = kuld.

chrstr
13-05-2005
kell 12:52

n

Jarmo
13-05-2005
kell 12:55

Jõhker värk jah....

FanAttic
13-05-2005
kell 13:01

Julm naer! Autopsy omad on tõesti parimad. No nii rumal ei saa olla, noh n

korn
13-05-2005
kell 13:06

n

Lynne
13-05-2005
kell 13:12

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_____________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
_____________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
_____________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
_____________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
_____________________________________
Q: Did he kill you?
_____________________________________
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
_____________________________________
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
_____________________________________
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
_____________________________________
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
_____________________________________
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

FanAttic
13-05-2005
kell 13:26

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Did he kill you?
n n
Kust sellised asjad tulevad. Ma hakkaks vist kõva häälega kohtus naerma selle peale, kui minult seda küsitaks.

eyeless
13-05-2005
kell 14:51

hahahaha... eriti hea leid :lizzy:

tursk
13-05-2005
kell 14:54

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Täielik tipp! n

kõnd
13-05-2005
kell 15:23

väga kõva n n

FK
13-05-2005
kell 16:31

Need lahangunaljad on eriti head n

JRGN
14-05-2005
kell 11:34

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.



n

backside
14-05-2005
kell 11:48

jürks, noku, ma tahtsin just sama asja kohta õelda, et kõige parem. liiga kaua koos olnud.

farik
14-05-2005
kell 12:20

kusagilt teises foorumis juba oli see..

acrum
14-05-2005
kell 21:19

peab alati vinguma n

kõnd
15-05-2005
kell 21:38

kusagilt teises foorumis juba oli see..
anna andeks farik!!!iga inimene ei käi"kusagil teises foorumis"kus see oli.mis selle aadress on?www.kusagilteinefoorum.ee ?????

farik
16-05-2005
kell 11:09

vait kõnd! n

teg
16-05-2005
kell 15:50

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

tarmik
16-05-2005
kell 17:33

liiga koom :D

zum
16-05-2005
kell 20:25

n
lollid ameeriklased ma pakun?

Lynne
16-05-2005
kell 20:42

QANTAS on Austraalia firma mu teada.

Lynne
16-05-2005
kell 21:24

P: whining noise coming from under instrument panel
S: gave hammer back to midget

Mookie
17-05-2005
kell 17:34

eijah, nende asjade lugemisel tulid küll naerukrambid. väga head. n

FanAttic
17-05-2005
kell 17:45

Qantas ruulib. Naera ribadeks

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

n n Ei ole olemas!

JRGN
17-05-2005
kell 18:11


QANTAS on Austraalia firma mu teada.

kas see mitte polnud "Rainman´is" ka ära märgitud n